Friday, January 24, 2014

Q and A

It has been the most confusing week so far and sadly,  confusion does not intrigue me as much as arbitrariness or ambiguity does, because those two at least leave some room for hope. Confusion on the other hand, splats you alternatingly,  across a room with a hot and a cold wall. It is hard to react properly to such a room. 

Don't try this at home. 

I don't know why I just wrote that. I don't think anyone can try that at home, unless they are mad scientists. 

So at the face of this confusion I tried to put some order into my life by writing out the goals I wanted to accomplish. This was a mistake. 

Here's why: 
Agenda 1: Update Yourself To A Better Version.

Q: And how do you plan to do this? 

A. Make an effort, give a shit about the sorry excuse you have for a life. 

Q. I am sensing a lot of anger here. 

A. Is that a real question? because D-uh! 

Q. Why didn't you go to work today? 

A. Because it's too cold outside. And I'm not feeling well. 

Q. Well, don't you think you're already failing at "making an effort"? 

A. Not really, my boss said "sure" when I mailed her asking if I could work from home. Besides, I really did experience cramps in the morning. 

Q. Are you working from home then?

A. I will start soon, I'm most productive under pressure, in the evenings especially. 

Q. What do you plan to do in the evening? 

A. Continue with the situational analysis that I'm supposed to be doing, which is super boring by the way. 

Q. Life can't always be eventful & interesting. 

A. And your question is? 

Q. I don't have any, I'm simply stating a fact. I think that is the real problem here. 

A. What is? 

Q. That you are so opposed to routine and anything remotely boring. 

A. Isn't that normal? 

Q. Not in the adult world, it's not. 

A. So all I have to do to be a grown up is not to be opposed to boredom? 

Q. Yeah, a part of it is, yes. 

A. Is that going to make me successful? 

Q. It might just. So you're asking the questions now? 

A. Sorry I just thought you were done with yours. 

Q. Don't confuse the order. I am named Q and you are named A for a reason. 

A. But what if that just stands for Aqua and Quebec? Those are cool names for us no? 

Q. Stop trying to take over my job. 

A. You aren't even attempting to be good at it. 


This is what an ongoing mental dialogue inside my head sounds like. 

I like to think of it as my very own form of dysfunctional poetry. But sometimes when Q and A really start to squabble? it begins to sound like I'm residing in  a war torn savage nation that would do anything for a little peace. 

My peace is not white. It is silver and classy as hell. And I love it when I can see it from a mile. I almost want to run right to it. But it takes so long to arrive sometimes that instead of leaping to it I do a lazy jig towards it...because I want to savour every bit of it while it lasts. 

So I treat the restless slumber, the sharp ring of the door  bell in the morning that interrupts tremulous   sleep when she'd  finally let me in to her palace, the constant nagging sense of foreboding at the back of my mind, the umpteen number of moments that my computer decides to crash at the verge of a very important plot twist in Doctor Who, being unable to find the perfect tardis blue handbag (it exists, it must)   and the tremendous  irritation all of  this evokes, with a pinch of salt. (Said list is of course not exhaustive). Massive pinches in fact.

 I keep telling myself Q and A won't succeed to derail me so completely, some day. Some day, they will just be Quebec and Aqua, incongruous silly names...And  fluffy,  silvery tufts of more important message bearing clouds  must be floating right  around the corner. 

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