Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I wrote a post about this weird dream I had, and another one about..well...Pain. And then I mixed up the two and somehow it made rare sense to me.

I dreamt about a tiny cat the size of my thumb. Shiny black glistening.

See the thing is...I was fine. Till some people started coming in... Suddenly it wasn't so lonely anymore.

Then it melted and became black ice cream. And I was worried about having incurred its wrath.

I forgot however, that,  with myself, the scope of messing up was limited, of constantly worrying about hurting others feelings.(I worry a lot, unnecessarily so sometimes.)

Then it rebuilt itself and started looking like a kangaroo. A black kangaroo.

And when people and the baggage that come with them begin to push you to the point of constant self- doubt, you take the only plausible way out: you let go.

I was worried about people looking at it and being mean to it. Because it was a cat and a kangaroo.

That's the beauty of this strange exercise of letting go...two aspects  that are beautiful in fact.

And then it got angry one day. I can't remember why. I realised it wasn't just a cat kangaroo. It was also a dragon.

One, you realise how strong you are: how very strong. Even though you feel like you can't function properly a single day  given this kind of sadness( it comes in waves).You cry..my God do you cry... You cry so much that you can't hold it in even when you're in the middle of mundane things like walking back home. And yet...the next day comes and the next...and guess what? You're functioning. The tears, the self-loathing and the innumerable Oh-My-God-Why-Amn't-I-Dead-Yet moments notwithstanding. Like an old fashioned, resilient, gramophone, you play, you sing.

I have never wanted to  not wake up from a dream this badly.

And sometimes, if you're lucky the second beautiful thing happens: some of them come back. Despite all odds.



This is the closest I can come to explaining the creature I spent 8 hours with....minus the puppy dog friendly eyes 






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