Friday, October 30, 2015

Noises and Voices

The week has been one of self exploration. 


Oh and it hasn't been a smooth ride. At all. I fell! quite literally, while stepping out of a meeting. We were at a Government building, recently done up in  swanky glittery marble  floors (there might have been a glow sign for the Department board, I  kid you not). So there I was, floundering on my knees (which are still ouchy btw) when a Minister steps out and he is very confused because he thinks I am paying my respects by doing the traditional pranaam by touching his feet. He confuses me for a petitioner and strides past us while my Boss helps me up to a couch and the cop standing guard, nearby, watches with a building sense of anxiety. He probably thinks there's going to be voices raised any second. 

 I do not like being the centre of attention in this way, but there are few things one can do when one's stars are aligned in a let's really embarrass this sad wimp of a girl this week kind of way. There have been many more instances but I shall not recount them here, mostly because it is agonising for someone who has been brought up on healthy doses of shame every day. 

This is something I am working through at present. 


I guess learning to laugh at myself and remembering that people are seldom really thinking about me as much as I think they are, helps, partially. Also, there are going to be accidental mistakes and revelations almost every day. There are a dozen ways of listening to what a person is saying and what they are hinting at. And I might be reading the messages wrong and a dozen other things could be misinterpreted (I am super psychotic that way). 

But if you constantly let everything get to your head, your voice and your purpose gets crowded out. So from now on, I lower the volume of what's going on outside...and tune in... to the flutter and the buzz that we constantly ignore or get distracted from. Listen to it...it won't make sense all the time...but really.. what ever does? 

Patterns and things. I kept it black and white because it's more fun
 if you let your head decide on the colours

PS. On a more tangible note, aren't phones supposed to auto-lock themselves after a phone conversation is over ? Instead of flashing your private whatsapp conversations in your Boss's face after she's done talking to someone on your phone? I already have enabled the lock screen mode but clearly it isn't helping! In my head I have set fire to a Samsung factory which happened to have only that one dude who came up with the shitty model I am using. Because I am kind like that. 

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