Thursday, March 1, 2018

Marching On....

Trees are like that sometimes.
This one, rejoicing in its bareness in the blue sky, limbs outstretched, dancing in the sun
When I walked by her this morning, I couldn't help but feel that she was hiding her pain. 
The kind that leaves you gnarly, twisted, rugged 
You would miss it in the dark
But there was the blue blue sky and the mellow yellow sun 
It was a happy moment but also a sad one. 

Friday, February 23, 2018

PMDD - A poem

The unhappiness is so deeply embedded in me

Waiting to choke the tears out of me

Desperately squeezing the will to survive out of me with a sharp claw, clawing at my heart

Making my face contort into an ugliness that only I know

While the tears stream down and I cry silently letting a desperate sigh or a groan out.

It throbs inside me like a lion pounding against a hard wall

Making my insides ache

I listen to a dog barking outside

I try to channelise my sadness onto the dog, poor creature, anything really, anything that might make more sense than this no reason, empty evening that is making me want to wring my life out of me.

I ask myself "what will make you feel better" but nothing comes from my soul.

My soul is empty

My soul is desperate for the outside world with its many lures and traps - waiting to distract it so it could forget for 2 seconds that it doesn't want to be here.

The world is not cute and that is okay.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend's cat.But after all the cuddles and the catnip, I realise that I am basically furniture to him. No, no there is nothing wrong with that but I don't know why I always feel the need to cute people, cats, dogs (fishes?) up. I told the boyfriend, that if he really thought about it, this is how children are too except less explicit- heck this is how people are. There is a need that each of us fulfill in our lives and because we can't pay for these things there's a lot open to interpretation, adjustments, expectations etc

There is this space in your life  where you feel small or not enough. We are constantly being told what to do, how to be, what would be convenient for others.  There will be traces of it everywhere you go, whatever you touch. It's my theory that this happens because I cute people up and expect the best from them. I don't know why this is my default setting - where I simply expect that person A is texting me because person A simply enjoys texting me- there is of course a lot going on under the surface. I have this tendency of "cute" ing people up -  Maybe it is my cultural conditioning- my gender conditioning? 

There is nothing wrong with people texting me, but in my version of utopia- or if like in Electric Dreams I truly could wear a little thing on my head and go for a vacation - it would for sure be one where I get to read people's minds - here is why I am sharing this with you, here is what I need to hear, here is how I am feeling - probably not cute, glorified lit up thoughts- but telling it like it is. Telling it like it is is definitely big on the news now. Women are telling it like it is. Did you know that on average women smile more than men? I wonder why we do that? What are we hoping for? What do we need? Again are we cuteing it up? 

 Our brains have been hard wired to think in certain ways. Relationships aren't transactional, love is transcendental, it's all roses and balloons- well, you could have roses and balloons and know at the same time that in a couple each of you are fulfilling a need for each other. It isn't all cute. 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

The First Step

This space has seen such a lot of turbulence. 

I don't know what to make of it now. 

There has always been a need to write but I feel like there was much to be written about and much to be understood that was not done here. Enough of dwelling on the past though. Research is primarily what I am interested in now and creativity is another aspect that draws me intensely so it feels wrong to ignore it completely. 

I want to make this a more positive space where I talk about research ideas, what I've been thinking and what has been intriguing me. Right now it's gender, environment and economic experiments. Go Figure! 

Also reading has been a vital part of me and I have managed to keep doing it but not as much as I used to. Right now I am on the last book of the Neapolitan series of Elena Ferrante. These  books have seen me through some really challenging times. 

Why did I come back here? Because I meant to write down yesterday , as a Valentine's day ritual, things that I love about myself. (cliched, but necessary). But then I was tired and stressed and crashed into bed as early as 10:30 pm. It's 8 am here, it's been an hour since I've been awake writing down things that I love about myself. I felt like I needed to start my day with this, before the day crowds every single thought out with its noise and tumult. One of the points I wrote down was "I am creative. I write well" And then I asked myself why do I not do it more often then? 

So, here is me taking the first step. 

I didn't want to perfect this or shame myself into not posting this after the decades it has been here. I don't consider this any witness to my creative skills. I just wanted to start somewhere so I get to where I envision myself as already being. 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

This Post Has A Lot Of Dots In It

It's been a while...

The times have rolled and meandered.. little tiny wheels

And of course there's an awkwardness

Hopefully it dissipates like a cold drop of water under the sun.

Totally not trying to write a poem.

We are on summer break at the end of which wait the important daunting life altering exams- the Qualifiers. Studying for the Qualifiers is a lonely heartbreaking process wrought with a specific boredom of old lessons ...that must make new sense.Hence the need to be candid about the feelings... they are always felt...but there have been very seldom times where I've sat with them. I'll have an extra cake, color co-ordinate my closet, clean the get the drift...

This is me trying to sit with my uncomfortable feelings.Uncomfortable for me is - that feeling of being abandoned...rejected...not thought of.... and it's always there like a dark shadow just beneath the skin...waiting for reality to mess up in one tiny way so it can ooze out.It crawls at the back of my neck and peers at my whole body like a sadistic lecherous beast and I know what's coming so I try feebly to look at the phone, to do one thing. Go away...I want to scream but I know I can't keep at this for too long. What is scary is how real all the lies I feed myself become and how much they rile me up in  weird imaginary bouts of cramps that never seem to leave.... it's always there...the ache, the sadness waiting patiently to take me by surprise again. It is always a surprise- fresh and naive like a child playing peekaboo. 

Of course it has very little to do with how things really are....I understand that now. I should be thankful and I am. 

I write this and keep it as honest as I can because I care....Because sometimes I almost convince myself that I don't...when all my life...really...I've just cared too much. 

Sunday, February 5, 2017

A Split Blank Second

I had this epiphany last night. Quite sure that it's completely not original except I am putting it out there because this shit is hard to Google and check if I am the only one thinking this way. 

Remember that feeling you get when you walk into a room with some purpose and forget why you did ? It's been happening to me a lot lately. Sometimes I recall later why and other times I just let it be a walk. 

What if that's what happened when we were "walking in" to this world? well crawling in...what if we had a very specific reason for doing this and our whole life is that split second in the room where you completely blank out and try to figure out what the shit we came in here for? 

Is this sounding more obvious to you than it did to me? 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

A Sackful of Nothing And Everything

I am in love. 

Different kinds of love. 

Time and space make you realise that there can be many kinds, kinds that are far from the romantic dreamy solutions we always tend to want as the logical conclusion to all the thoughtful stories that we think the world is made of. 

Every time I get dreamy I message a friend and she tells me "find a friend D, those are rarer than lovers." 

She is right.

Also she has the whole adulting thing sorted while I cry over my grades and the pressure of grad school to her. It has been crazy to use an oft used phrase to describe indescribable things and feelings. 

I'm sure I have changed a lot and I don't even realise it. 

I haven't been very faithful to my blog here, in recording all the ups and downs. But I am sure there's nothing I would write here that you haven't already read at least once and have tucked away somewhere in the obscure corners of your mind. And I'll begin to say it and you'll roll your eyes at me and say...ah that story,  

I don't have anything bombastic or new to write here. Except its pretty damn bombastic and new to me because it has  been happening to yours truly. 

Sometimes I worry that I will never have observant clever things to write about for my blog because I talk too much and never stop and look at what's actually going around. 

There are just these... people moments places.... and life has a way of meandering around the good stuff and the bad like it's trying to show me some kind of a dangerous dance show that I can never get out of alive. 

O wait. Right. Of course. 

I guess I am living a little. And loving these little pieces of pure beauty that life is throwing my big deal.. no it is a really very big deal. 

Stay warm. 

Until next time....