Thursday, November 28, 2013

This Is Calming.

We found out mummy's got dengue, yesterday. I was so worried, that by the time it was time to go to bed,I had a splitting headache.

Here are some  facts about dengue, you (probably) didn't know. (Obviously I have a lot of time in my hands, to be doing this). Actually, this is keeping me sane, so stop judging.
And maybe get me some one whose going to stay up all night to make my mother drink water. I suck at being nocturnal.

What actually happens
When your mother insists on using a mosquito net, “because dengue and malaria are just waiting to happen in this house”
You probably shouldn't treat that as a joke
And obviously your mother now has Dengue, to prove a point. I’m sorry mom. But please just get better.
Dengue is not contagious.
Because that is the first thing your aunt asks you.
However, if there’s a person to mosquito to person pathway, then it is. In other words,  mosquitoes like threesomes.
It’s caused by family of viruses.
So it’s still okay to report to the patients that their doctor has “viral fever”.
Because my mother thinks nobody would want to come to her with their kid, after they find out she had dengue. Can I gun down society, yet?
Dengue mosquitoes only bite you in the day time.
You should have heard the speculations we came up with before we knew she had dengue. We blamed soya sauce and sausages.It was odd. 
These mosquitoes are total bitches…and very active vampires…except they are active during the day, which makes them scarier.
It’s also known as Dandy Fever.
Seriously? Dandy?
For something this vicious I wasn't expecting Dandy.
Dengue doesn't have any antibiotic/ vaccination/cure available yet.
Obviously, that would make life easier for all of us wouldn't it?
Every one insists her fluid intake should be monitored with strictness matched by a Victorian Headmistress…so it’s become a form of greeting for me every time I see mom awake..”How about that ORS?” 
Someone reported my mother has dengue to the Municipal Corporation. We're guessing it was the lab that did the blood test. 
People came at our neighbourhood with vanfogs...they're just code for terminator guns. The whole place got scary cloudy. And now everyone knows my mom has dengue. Society literally got gunned down. I have pictures (which might be uploaded later, when I feel like less of a sadist). 
When the fever gets over, that’s when the real trouble starts.
My mom hasn't had fever since last night.
I don’t know what to feel.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The Sickness Diaries

Mom's illness continues.The boss has given me permission to work from home, till mummy gets better.I admit I feel a little stranded and helpless. 

Naturally,  I have pictures: 

This is my mother's phone, every half an hour. 
You know what freaks me out more than the 19 missed calls? The 2 new messages.  Because I can't help but believe that some of those 19 missed callers are sending abusive texts that I will now have to read. 

Meds Galore: This is what my work desk looks like, right now. I'm obviously very good at this working-from-home stuff. 
Sweet Lime seems to be the only thing my mother likes to have right now, that and Gondhoraj Lemon. The fiery red you see in the right, is sun burnt mango with chilli seasoning. 

But that's for me. It's really quite yum if you like all things tangy. I bought it off the crowded footpaths of Gariahat. Gariahat is a market place of contrasts, where you'll find everything juxtaposed against everything else in the least organised's kind of how my mind works. 
This was the last thing I bought before my mother went into her fever I've begun to associate the taste of this  fiery concoction with her sickness. 

This is my den...the closest I've ever come to having "my own  room"..although it has very poor wifi connection,  you'll find me here when the house begins to feel particularly crowded, or life gets too overwhelming. 

I've been spending my time here this morning, while the mother naps between fever spells. 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

This Post Has Many Typos But I Felt The Need To Ramble.

My mom has been very ill for the last two days, this happened right after I read a chapter on "Vulnerability armory" in Brene Brown's book: Daring Greatly. So I felt like I was being tested: am I going to numb out, and go to work despite my mother being very ill? Or do I believe that my reasons are valid enough, and  send in a an urgent leave mail for my boss explaining to her why I can't make it to work yet, despite being on leave for the better part of last week. For once, I took the latter way. 

I won't lie, I felt guilty as hell, and so very afraid of being judged by my boss, and worse still: what if she thinks I'm playing hooky?

But despite my reservations, I'm glad I stayed. 

There's something very amazing in watching a person suffering from fever. (That didn't come out right, I'm beginning to sound like a sadist. I meant oddly amazing, I guess). When they are in the throes of it, they believe nothing can ever make this better.. or go away. Until the fever starts to go away, the active energy  they experience right after,  is kind of beautiful. My mother went as far as to want to go and treat her patients, that very instant. I'm glad I can differentiate delirium talk from normal talk. Obviously I didn't let her do that. 

I don't mind staying at home at all. And I like to read so staying at home is kind of what I do for enjoyment. 
Except this was a little different, because people started pouring in one after the other. 

I am not good with people. Especially when they want to make themselves busy and make this drink or do that dish, that is "going to make her well, just now!" But good manners obviously dictates that I do everything that they would like to do for my mother for them, become their dutiful advise seeker and carry it through while they sit and watch. 

Did I mention that my mother's phone rings all the time? Like seriously...All.The.Time. And it's got that annoying normal phone tone that is supposed to sound professional. But if it keeps on ringing it begins to sound like your stupid alarm tone that insists that you wake up every morning. 

I was beginning to lose it. 

I reminded myself  that this was the vulnerability test. 

But you know you're doing really bad when you start to ignore the people around and sink in to the comforting environment of your laptop. That's when you know that the process of "numbing" has begun to kick in..

So I did the only thing I could: I went out on the pretext of "grocery shopping". I found nothing, other than  the illusive Toblerone. Toblerone is a ginger tabby who loves dirt and rolls over and lets me rub his belly whenever he sees me. That makes him my best friend..obviously. 

This made me feel a whole lot better. 

And then I felt really sad for mom, because she is the one whose having to deal with all that attention despite her fever. I would probably want to stab people, if I were in her place. 


I went to work today and I was so thankful to be around non advise giving people that I may have given out post it note awards to all my colleagues. 

It was silly. But this is what I do when you give me the gift of quiet. 

Mom's feeling slightly better, she's been able to have proper food without vomiting all of it out. 

We'll get through this. She and me, as always. 

Did I mention my boss totally asked after my mother? She actually wanted to know what was wrong. 

I'm kind of glad I stayed back yesterday, and read Treasure Island,( I do that, I read absolute classics when I need to calm myself down.Also watch adventure movies while I chow down some flavored yogurt. )I know these are all numbing tactics but I indulge in these, because I always end up a little happier at the end. I'm sure all of us have our own pet indulgences. 


Today a colleague told me with a dead pan serious expression: "seriously how many cans of Red Bulls do you take every morning before coming to work?" 

I was very surprised... and then she continued : "I need to borrow from your energy reserve."

I had no idea, this was the general opinion about me. 

So I got a little worried because what if that on-line test about mental illness is right? What if I do in fact have a bipolar disorder? Because I face terrible lows and I had no idea that I look like I'm on an energy high!

Or maybe that's just a part of being human?

I don't know, I'm a little lost. 

Sometimes I wish I had the "Site Under Construction" board at my disposal. Because I feel like that most of the times. Particularly when people get all curious about my future. 

Then all I want to do, is hide behind that board. That would explain a lot of things. Because every time I've felt like I've gotten anywhere close to building the ground floor, I have reconsidered  and demolished it all with my bare hands. 

I wonder if I suffer from the perfectionist syndrome. Yes, that's a syndrome. 

Perfectionism is not normal, author Brene Brown says. Is it weird that my mother has taught me to strive for perfection all my life? What does that make us as a family? Are we going to have a syndrome named after us? 

These are kind of the things that keep me up at night. That and that one time I aided the banishment of a kid from a book store. 

Yeah, that's me...I mean it started off great! I saw this kid browsing a book and I saw what looked like fake popcorn falling out of a book jacket. And I'm thinking wow this is so full of whimsy...this book comes with fake popcorn...great idea! I actually said that out loud, and before I know it this gruff man starts scolding the kid for littering the bookstore, because that was real popcorn that was falling out of a very flattened popcorn box that I thought was the book jacket. 

I felt so guilty that I couldn't bring myself to buy anything from that shop so I went to the other one in the same mall. And I bumped into another kid, a little girl this time. She started following me around. And snatched this Agatha Christie book I was browsing as soon as I put it down. 

I looked at her going through the pages and thought this was really beautiful...until she looked up at me and neatly tore the first page from the book, and then sneakily put it back and walked away to join her mother.

I was speechless. The whole time she had this defiant look about her face.

She's like : "Yeah, I dare you to get me kicked out of this shop.Some awesome karma you'd be raking in." 

It's like these kids have their imaginary walkie talkie networks all over the place. 

Dumb girl in black, thinks a book can have fake popcorn in it..get her down. And then the kid army is all upon me, daring me to defy them one more time. 

I give up!

This has to be the longest post I've ever written...I have no idea why I've rambled on for so long. 

Ah well, I guess I have missed blogging.